Recuerda Me
by drowning goldfish
Summary: When a curse somehow backfires, and Lily Evans loses her memory, how will she react to the soft dedication and passionate protection of James Potter as she struggles down the road of remembering who she is, what she knows, and what she really feels?
1. Chapter 1

She opened her eyes. White light bit into her irises. She felt like she had slept for days. She yawned loudly.

"Oh dear," a calm warm Scottish brogue replied. A round woman in an old fashioned dress glided over, and in a maternal fashion, began to look over the girl. Curious, the girl looked over herself as well.

"How are you feeling?" the woman asked. The girl tried to sit up. Her stomach felt like it had been slit in two with a sword. Her breath was squeezed from her lungs at the pain.

"Ahh!" she barely whispered in agony.

"Oh oh oh! Lie back now. It'll be alright." The woman mixed a potion and then lifted the girl's neck to help slide it down her throat before gently helping her to lie back down.

The girl grimaced as the nutty substance slid down her throat. It didn't taste bad so much as it felt disgusting slipping around in her stomach. She turned her head to the side in hopes that she wouldn't have to drink anymore, when she noticed something, or rather, someone, she hadn't seen before.

A boy with unruly black hair was awkwardly curled into a chair slightly too small for his frame that looked as though it would be tall and lean when standing. His glasses were slightly askew on his face, revealing deep black circles under his eyes.

"Oh let him sleep dear. He's hasn't left your side since he brought you here eight days ago. Normally I wouldn't dare let anyone play sentinel like he has, but you should see the right state he's been in. Hasn't eaten as far as I know, even the food his friends have brought him. He barely moves from that wretched chair, and even then it's only to pace. He's been talking to you a lot, only when he thinks no one is in the room of course – never seen him so serious in my entire life, and coming from me I'm sure that's saying more than most. Say what you want about the poor lad, but his heart is in the right place."

The girl's eyes drank him in. Her heart fluttered softly at the healer's words. This boy cared about her very deeply. She could feel her cheeks warm in pleasure at the thought. There was something so…reassuring about waking up to find someone like him so worried about her. She couldn't help the immediate affection for him she felt.

"Why did he bring me in?" she asked, her eyes never wavering in their trace of his form.

"I don't know dear. There was some sort of duel I suppose. The headmaster had a private word with him, but I don't know what was said."

A duel. Perhaps he had been trying to protect her, and had dueled with some unknown fiend. She had gotten caught in the crossfire -- unfortunate, tragic -- but he had whisked her away to get help after avenging her. It was very brave of him, she thought, and her emotions surged again with a well of gratitude and something else that left her head slightly heady and warm.

"What's his name?" she asked, desperate to know.

"His name?" the healer asked startled. The girl finally pulled her gaze away from the boy and turned her head to look at the healer once more. "Why, James Potter."

"Oh," she said, his name spinning through her mind, wishing to pull forth endless moments of intimate memories and not finding a single one. She allowed the words to echo around her head and decided that it was, in fact, a very nice sounding name. The healer looked at her for a long moment.

"Did you not know?" the healer asked. The girl shook her head. The healer frowned deeply, her brows knitting together. "You didn't know his name? Do you know what your name is? Where you are?"

The girl opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She felt that words were appropriate, but she could not think of any, nor anything else at all. She closed her mouth, and shook her head.

"Oh dear," the healer whispered dramatically. "I must speak to the headmaster immediately! Don't go anywhere! Try not to move! I shall return as quickly as I can!"

And with that she was gone. The girl sighed. She thought that perhaps she should be angry or worried that she could not remember anything, but she wasn't. She felt…calm. Peaceful really. She glanced over at the boy. She wondered what his reaction would be upon seeing her awake. She wondered if he would kiss her.

"James," she whispered to him, and he stirred for a moment on the edge of sleep. His eyes flickered open for a moment, warm grey eyes meeting her own before sliding back closed. They startled fully awake after another split second.

"You're awake!" he jumped out of his chair towards her. "How are you feeling? Can you speak?"

"I'm alright," she whispered. His whole body seemed to visibly slump with relief at these words.

Footsteps echoed in the hall and they turned to see the healer trailing an old man with a commanding presence. They came to her bedside and James stood back from her with a wretched expression of his face.

The sage man's kind eyes stared at her with a great intensity. "Hello. My name is Albus Dumbledore, and I am Headmaster here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

"It's a pleasure to meet you, sir," she said, because he was looking at her as though expecting something from her. He nodded at this.

"What's going on?" James demanded.

The healer turned to him, looking as though she wished to remove him from the room, but Dumbledore turned to address him.

"It would seem that the cause of her recent incapacitation has also resulted in a form of amnesia, the extent of which seems quite severe," he said solemnly.

"What do you mean! She doesn't remember…anything?" James choked and she felt guilty that he would be so upset she could not really remember him. "Her memory…"

"That remains to be seen," Dumbledore said. He turned to the girl. "If you would allow me entrance to your mind, I will hopefully be able to ascertain some information about how this has come about."

She nodded, and felt as though someone was poking at a bruise right in the middle of her forehead. She winced, and the pain was gone.

"It would seem there is a very powerful ward in place, I believe, placed by your own magic as a form of protection. It took a great deal of energy to create, and if I am not mistaken, the reason you have been unconscious for eight days. You still need rest. Tomorrow we shall have to run through some mental exercises, to see how deep the damage goes. I will notify your parents and—"

"I remember them," she said suddenly, and startled excited eyes fell upon her. "I remember Mum and Dad and…and my sister."

It wasn't as though memories had flooded back to her, so much as she finally grabbed onto something her mind was trying to reach, but the emotions attached to them were distant, as though they weren't really her own and she was looking at someone else's life. "I remember our house and my first school. I remember how to change a pound into a galleon at Gringotts. I remember some charms and my wand. I remember the muggle world and I remember…parts of this one. Facts really…but no people. No places. I don't know why I'm here – why I can't remember, I mean."

She looked back to Dumbledore in hopes he could explain. "This, I am afraid, we also do not know."

"I think it would be best, Albus, if we did not tell her too much about her life here," the healer said. The girl was frustrated at this. Why couldn't she know who she was? Who was she to decide what she could know about her own life?

"It will be hard," the woman said, turning to look at James as she said this. "But she must learn to remember and know this world on her own, or her memory may never come back. What kind of Memory Charm that could do this much damage and still allow her to be alive I do not know. However, she has survived, and this also means that whatever has happened is likely to be healed as she begins to recognize things. The synapses in her brain will reconnect, allowing her access to the rest of her memories."

There was a heavy silence. "May I know my name?" she asked, and the healer looked apologetic.

James, glaring at her, spoke. "Your name is Lily."

She turned to him, and his eyes bore into hers. "Lily Marie Evans."

This seemed…right, she thought. It fit, like two pieces of a puzzle sliding into place.

"It is late," Dumbledore said. "Miss Evans needs her rest. I suggest you return to your own bed as well Mr. Potter."

James tried to protest this, but Dumbledore raised his hand. "You need sleep as well. You may return in the morning if you wish, as tomorrow is Friday and I doubt your concentration will be very focused on your classes."

"Thank you sir," he said.

"I will speak to you again tomorrow Miss Evans," Dumbledore said, inclining his head to the healer to speak with her for a few moments. They walked to her office, and James approached her bedside. Her hand reached for his and he immediately took it in both of his own.

"You remembered me," he said in a slightly awed tone, and she did not have the heart to tell him it wasn't true.

Tortured eyes delved into her own, searching. "I'm so sorry Lily. You can't know how sorry. I'm really, _really_ glad you're okay. I was so scared. I thought…I thought you were…you'll get better. I promise. I'll be back first thing in the morning and I'll answer any questions you have. I'll take care of you," he said, squeezing her hand.

She smiled softly at him, and he closed his eyes, as though unable to take that look of warmth coming from her. "I'll see you in the morning then," she said, and he nodded.

"Goodnight," he whispered, and then opened his eyes. Emotions flashed through them, none of which she understood, but then suddenly he arched over her, and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I'll make you better," he swore, before pulling away. She watched him leave, watched as every other step seemed to falter and hesitate as he steadily moved away from her until he was out of sight and she could no longer hear his footsteps.

She closed her eyes and was immediately whisked off into sleep.

"_Let me fix things! I'll make it better!" a familiar boy's voice pleaded as she stormed away. He followed._

"_You can't make anything better! You horrible, insufferable, daft, idiot! I wish…"_

"_What do you wish? Tell me!" he demanded. She spun around sharply._

"_You don't **want** to know what I wish!" she said threateningly._

"_Yes I do! **Demorie Restovenia!**" he cried._

She awoke to the dead of night and an otherwise empty room. The dream slipped through her mind like sand through her fingers and the more she tried to remember, the less she could grasp onto.

Sighing softly, sure it was important but unable to recall, she shifted a bit, before falling back asleep.

He was at her side with breakfast when she awoke again. "Breakfast tea with a splash of milk and two sugars," he said, after he had helped her into a sitting position that wasn't too uncomfortable. Already her stomach felt worlds better, though it was by no means healed entirely. "Two currant scones, four sausages, and three poached eggs."

"Do I normally eat this much?" she asked.

He laughed. "No, but I figured you'd be hungry, and Madame Aviate said that it will be good exercise for your stomach muscles."

"Who is Madame Aviate?" she asked. He blinked.

"The healer whose been attending you. Didn't she tell you her name?" he asked, obviously worried she must have forgotten again.

"No, she didn't. She rushed off to see Dumbledore when she realized I didn't remember..." _you_, she thought silently.

"Oh," he said. "Yes, I can see how that would have been surprising."

Lily felt awkward. "I'm sorry I don't remember," she said.

His eyes were dark. "_Don't_ be sorry. It's not your fault."

He didn't say much as he helped her eat. Though she had full use of her limbs, he fed her as though she was a small child, and she felt cared for and safe with him.

He cleared the tray away and came back to sit next to her. He tucked a strand of hair behind her ears and his eyes traveled over her features. She frowned suddenly.

"What do I look like?" she asked.

Five minutes later, a mirror in hand, she looked at herself for the first time. She wasn't sure what she was expecting so she wasn't exactly surprised. She tilted her red head to the side, examined her wide almond shaped eyes with ridiculously long lashes, mouthed soundlessly to test the expandability of her lips, and pulled the mirror close to see herself wrinkle her nose doused in freckles. Up until noticing these light dots she was not upset nor overly pleased with her reflection because she didn't know what she thought of herself, other than it was a first real glimpse of who she was.

"You didn't like having freckles," he said, and she turned to look at him. He looked slightly uncomfortable and looked away. "Well, I mean, I think you did when you were younger, but I used to tease you about them until you became embarrassed so you'd put concealing charms over them."

"Oh," she said, and turned to reexamine her nose, wriggling it this way and that, wondering what it would look like without freckles.

"You have twenty-three," he said. She looked back at him. "In case you were counting."

"I wasn't," she said. "How did you know how many there were if I concealed them all of the time?"

"I counted them before you started doing that."

"Oh…Why?"

"Because I secretly liked them and didn't want you to know."

"Oh," she said, and returned to her mirror, because she rather thought it would be polite to ignore his light blush.

"Did I like my red hair? Did I like having it this short?" she asked, pulling a shoulder length strand between her fingers.

"I don't know. It's your grandmother's hair. You used to have it long. Really long, to your hips actually, but you cut it off when she died last year. I got really angry because I didn't know why you had done it. You told me that in certain Native Americans tribes, when someone close to them dies, they chop off their hair and give it to the dead person, to show how much of your life was changed and impacted because of them, and so other people can see that you're grieving."

"Oh," she said.

"Yeah."

"Was I always so…?"

"Complex and layered?" he supplied. "Yes. Always. For as long as I've known you anyway."

"And how long has that been?" she asked, turning to him again.

He swallowed hard. "Since we were eleven."

"And how old are we now?"

He paused, and she knew he was thinking about the healer's words. "Seventeen."

Six years, her mind said. "That's a long time."

"I suppose so," he said seriously.

She turned back to the mirror and her freckles. She noticed after a moment of inspection that he was right. She did in fact have twenty-three. She also noticed a small scar under her left eye.

"Where did I get this?" she asked, pointing.

"You were scratched by a Bowtruckle in Care of Magical Creatures class because you were distracted."

"Oh," she said, wishing it had been something a little more impressive. Almost as though sensing this, he added, "You have a scar on your knee from when beat up a Neferin with your bare hands in third year."

"Really?" she asked, and pulled back the sheet to examine.

She bunched up her nightgown around her mid thighs, keeping her legs flat so as not to expose anymore. She leaned forward over her knees and examined them. There, on the inside of the right one was a tangle of white lines.

She looked up at him to find him red faced and pointedly looking anywhere but at her. She was surprised. Surely if he had known about that scar than he had seen her legs up close before…right?

Judging by the coloring on his face, he hadn't, and she felt her cheeks blush as well. She pulled down her nightgown and pulled the sheets back up.

Lily turned as she heard some boys approach.

"We heard you were up and we came to see the damage," a boy with long dark hair and intense dark eyes drawled. "Judging by the lack of blood stains, I'm guessing you went for psychological trauma this time Evans."

Startled to realize he was speaking to her, Lily wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Sod off, Sirius," James said, and Lily couldn't help but feel pleased he was standing up for her.

"Did I know them?" she tried to ask James quietly. The looks on the boys' faces of clear appalling surprise indicated that in fact, she had. "I'm sorry," she said, seeing their looks, and turned to James to help explain.

"Lily," James said, reaching his hand out to squeeze hers. "I told you: it's not your fault. It's mine. Don't apologize."

"What in the bloody hell?" Sirius declared. "Are you having us on?"

"She's lost her memory. This is Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. They're my best mates," James said. Lily nodded to each of them in turn.

Remus looked concerned. "James, how did this —"

Sirius grinned maniacally and cut him off. "Do you mean to tell me that our other favorite Prefect has no memory of her position and is otherwise incapable of performing her duties?"

"Yes, I suppose so," James said.

"Excellent," Peter said.

James glared at him. "But that doesn't mean you're going to take advantage."

"Oh come on, Prongs!" Sirius wailed.

"I'm serious. I'll take points on her behalf if you try to do anything to her," James said darkly.

Sirius brightened. "Oh alright, we won't do anything to _her_." Sirius winked at Remus when James had turned back to Lily to explain what they were talking about.

Three girls burst into the room. "What are you lot doing in here? Get out," a girl with blonde hair and a decidedly disgusted look said. The other two girls seemed to trail behind, dividing their attention between looks of concern for Lily and drooling over Sirius Black.

"No need to bunch up your knickers, McKinnon," Sirius drawled in a manner that suggested he was entirely unconcerned with her words. "We're playing nice."

"Well go play elsewhere Black, unless you need me to give you a _reason_ to stay," she said, swinging her wand idly in her hand.

He sighed. "You know I don't duel with _girls._ It's entirely inappropriate for a gentleman of my good standing."

Marlene McKinnon snorted and opened her mouth to retort when James cut in. "Knock it off, the both of you."

Marlene raised her eyebrows. "What makes you think I wasn't talking to you when I said 'shove off' Potter? Leave Lily alone. It's not enough that you got her landed in here in the first place, but now you're trying to make her life miserable while she's bedridden and unable to escape? There aren't words for how low you are."

"How dare you!" Lily cut in with a shrill tone, her cheeks flushing. "He feels bad enough as it is for what happened and you have absolutely no right to come in here and verbally degrade him! You throw stones like you're not standing in a glass house! James has been by my side this entire time! Where have _you_ been?"

Marlene looked like she had been slapped. "She's come by every day to visit," James told Lily quietly. "This is Marlene McKinnon. She's your best friend. She's the right of it. Normally our friends don't get on with one another."

"What…?" Marlene began, tears pooling in her eyes.

"Lost her mind," Sirius supplied cheerfully.

"Her memory," Remus corrected, shooting a dark look at Sirius for his comment.

This seemed to clear everything away. "I don't know what they've said to poison your mind, Lily, but don't you fret. I'll have them stripped naked and tossed in the ice covered lake before you can say 'revenge'. Now James, kindly back away and your punishment won't be inflicted in the middle of the night when it's dark and the giant squid is likely to keep you as a dolly."

James stared down the wrong end of Marlene's wand, and began to rise. As his arm untangled itself from Lily's, she made a soft strangled noise that tore at his heart. He looked back down at her face, eyes begging him silently not to leave her. He swallowed hard. She didn't want to be left alone, and he was all she really knew. He…couldn't leave her.

James sat down on the cot next to Lily and she seemed to huddle against his side. "I won't leave unless you ask me too," he told her.

"I don't want you to leave," she whispered to him. "I want them to go away. I want them to leave us alone."

His hand came to stroke through her hair. "Shhh, it's okay. No one's going to get hurt. Sirius and Remus and Peter are going to leave, and then the girls will leave as well."

James looked back at his friends imploringly, and they shrugged before heading out. James then turned to Lily's friends but they did not look anywhere near as accommodating.

"What seems to be all of the commotion out here about?" Madame Aviate said, bustling into the room with several vials in her arms. She brought them next to Lily's bedside before anyone spoke.

"Make them go away," Lily whispered, her eyes not meeting those of the girls'.

Startled, but not asking any questions, Madame Aviate declared loudly, "Well, I'm going to have to administer some potions, so you'll have to clear out."

"What about Potter?" Marlene asked darkly.

"He'll be leaving soon enough as well, once he finishes up helping me," she said, and without a suitable argument, Marlene gave them all one last dark look before leaving, the other girls mimicking her actions almost to a fault.

"Now what was that all about? Those were your friends you know," Madame Aviate said, mixing vials together.

"I know," Lily said. "They were just…" She sighed, looking for the right words. "Not what I expected my friends to be," she whispered lamely.

"Oh now dear, I'm sure they were just worried about you is all. Makes people do strange things, worry does. Now drink this, and lie down. If you're feeling better in the morning, you can go out for a walk for a bit. I'm sure your friends wouldn't mind being your guide, and you can patch things up then," she said with a smile as Lily tried to hide her grimace from swallowing the potion.

James's hand continued to stroke through her hair once she had lain back down. Lily sighed as she looked up at him. "Tell me about our classes," she said. "I'll have to go back eventually, and I want to be as prepared as possible."

He grinned. "That's a very Lily thing to say, though your improvisational skills were always exceptional."

She smiled.

…………..

She held onto his arm as they passed the threshold of the door back into their Charms class. He did not complain that she was cutting off the circulation in his arm, which she thought was rather commendable as she figured she probably was, but could not for the life of her loosen her grip.

She was terrified: terrified of what everyone would say and do, of how they would treat her, and of how she would perform. For some reason, these feelings felt familiar to her somehow. She couldn't remember much as far as her classes went, but James had practiced some of the recent spells he said she had missed since she had been out.

She had been a bit reticent at first, and rather shocked that she had had no trouble mastering the spells. James hadn't been surprised at all, and this, if anything, only made her feel flattered that he had held her in such high esteem. He had told her that she was one of the best in their year and he had said this with such a sense of pride in his voice and this look of amazement in his eyes that she could not help but be pleased and determined to continue to be so.

However, this did not mean she was for one second going to release him as all of the heads in the room turned to look at them and broke out in excited whispers. She raised her head slightly and ignored them. James smiled at her as they sat down together.

Marlene walked up and raised an eyebrow at James. "Do you mind?" she asked in a polite tone to James. "Only that's my seat you're sitting in."

Lily's hand tightened in James's, hidden beneath the desk. "I want James to be my partner today," Lily said, trying to keep her voice even. She knew that everyone in the room was focused on her, and she hated it. Why they couldn't go back to their own business she wasn't sure, but she did know that deep inside of her, _she_ would never be so rude as most of her classmates had been.

In all fairness, James had told her of her friendship with Marlene (apparently they were thick as thieves most of the time, and even if most people found Marlene to be a bit course, Lily had always been a nice compliment to her and was amused more than angered by this characteristic). Lily took note of the light showing of pain in the girl's eyes before she nodded at Lily and left to sit with another girl behind her.

Professor Flitwick bustled into the class a moment later, and people took their seats and quieted down. James pulled out some parchment and began to take notes with his free hand and some parchment he pulled from his bag.

"Oh!" Lily whispered softly. "Should I have brought…? I didn't think…"

"S'alright," he said, and glanced up at her, his hand squeezing hers, and a smile slipping onto his features. "We'll share."

The look in his eyes as he said this made Lily so warm she felt like she was awash in a hot bath, floating weightlessly and slightly disoriented.

Professor Flitwick finished his lecture on advanced engorging and shrinking charms, and the practical part of class began as he passed around teacups with tea in them. For their NEWTs, they would need not only to be able to change the size of the cup, but also the amount of the tea inside the cup. Solids were much easier to manipulate, but a liquid, especially inside a solid was vastly more complicated.

"You first," James said, and he smiled mischievously at her. "Don't give me that look. I know the only reason you want me to try it is so that you'd don't have to attempt it in front of all these people. And that's simply ridiculous. You'll never get your life back if you don't try."

She sighed, and let go of his hand to pull out her wand. She had at first thought it would be strange to hold a wand, but the way it fit so naturally there, that first night she had been reunited with it she had held it as she slept, feeling as though she had regained a limb, and had carried it with her ever since. It was only when she was holding her wand that she did not wish to hold James's hand, as though her magic and the core of her was somehow still separate from the world, and always would be.

She let her mind clear, forced out the sounds of everyone's chattering and giggling and attempts, even forced out the thought of James beside her and Marlene behind her, until all she could see was the cup. Her eyes traced its surface and angles and grooves, its colors and textures and heat, its very essence, until she whispered the words and pushed at every particle of the cup and tea until it was growing and growing and growing so large it began to overtake the desk it was sitting on and—

James grabbed her wrist. Her concentration broke. The teacup shattered and spilled warm liquid everywhere. Everyone was silent as they stared.

"Miss Evans," Professor Flitwick said, his voice a bit exasperated as though he had called her name several times already and she had not heard.

She could not take it, could not stand how everyone looked at her like she was a _freak_, that word spoken in Petunia's voice ringing in her head so sharply she began to cry, and she hurriedly pushed herself up from her desk and ran from the room.

Her eyes blurred with tears, she did not see the giant of a man and she barreled into him as she flew across the courtyard.

"Whoa there now!" the deep Scottish brogue sounded and as she was helped to her feet she wiped her eyes and found herself under the kind gaze of a long lost friend. She knew those eyes somehow. "I'm Hagrid," the voice said, and deep pockets of warmth and comforting emotion flew threw her. He smelled like turf smoke and dog slobber and baked scones, and she wasn't afraid.

"I'm Lily," she said, her voice still timid. His soft smile beneath his mangy beard made her smile too.

"How's about you come with me for a spot of tea and you can tell me all about what's botherin' you? Fang'll have missed you."

Though the immediate thought of tea almost made her start crying again, she agreed, and they made their way down to his hut. Fang, slurping up her face in one giant tongue lashing, continued to lick at her leg as though it was a slab of meat as she sat in the giant armchair near the fire.

She somehow intrinsically knew to feed Fang her rockcakes disguised as scones instead of attempting it herself, and she was flattered that Hagrid had put in just the right about of milk and sugar.

Though she had started off talking about class, her words soon spiraled into all of everything that had happened, what she knew and what she remembered, and of course all of this lead to talking about James.

When she finally finished, she took a deep breath and Hagrid looked at her for a long moment.

"He loves you very much, that James Potter. He's a rascal to be sure, and some'd say worse, but that boy has been coming down to see me since first year, always moaning on about his feelings for you amongst other things. You haven't always been a willing party to it, you know. Lots a folks'll say lots o' things, but James has a stout heart and he's loyal through and through. No one in their right mind could argue with tha'."

Just then, James Potter burst into the door, disheveled and sweaty. "Hagrid! You have to help me find—"

But he stopped abruptly at the sight of her, and his tense force visibly slumped with relief. "You're here," he said softly. "I was worried when I couldn't find you. I thought you might have gotten lost when I couldn't find you back at the hospital wing, and you had taken off in the direction of the forest. You were amazing in class today."

She blushed at this, angry and embarrassed. "It was horrible," she whispered forcefully.

"Are you joking? Hagrid, you should have seen it! The teacup was the size of your pumpkins, and this was her first try!" James sounded excited now and impressed.

"So I heard," Hagrid said, looking back to Lily's incredibly embarrassed form with a much more gentle demeanor than James. "You shouldn't be embarrassed abou' your abilities Lily. They're a gift. A blessin'. And you're an awfully powerful witch so it isn't any surprise that you might have a bit more trouble controllin' your powers than most your age."

"But Hagrid, you didn't see! Tea spilled everywhere! Why do you think I'm drenched?"

"Everyone was having trouble with the tea Lily—"

"But no one else couldn't stop! It was like I couldn't think about anything else other than making the blasted teacup bigger! I couldn't break my focus and—"

"Lily!" James exclaimed as her saw the tears build up in her eyes and rushed forward to encircle her in his arms. She buried herself there and continued to whisper.

"I could've made that cup bigger, so much bigger. Bigger than the whole world if I wanted to. Smaller than our eyes could see. I could feel it in my veins, in my blood. I could feel my magic and I could feel it transforming that cup and I just couldn't think about anything outside of it."

"Sometimes, the thought of being able to control everything overtakes us. It's why some wizards go dark, seeking that raw power because they're weak and afraid of their problems. Hagrid was right, magic is a gift, but if you let it, your magic will control you, not the other way around. Magic itself isn't good or evil, but it doesn't like to be shut away or contained. It likes to flow through us and around us and if you don't keep a control on it, what just happened will continue."

"I want to be stronger, James. I felt like I was losing myself to that cup, that stupid _cup_. I don't want to ever lose myself again."

"It's okay, Lily. I won't let you get lost. I won't let anything get you. I'll protect you."

AN: **Cookies** for those who **review**!

I was writing this with someone awhile back, but real life issues got in the way on my end, and I've just recently picked it back up. If you've read something similar to this, NO this is not plagiarized. This is MY work. I say this because (as horrible of a person as it makes me) I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the person who was going to co-author it with me. PLEASE email me if you're reading this (and I am SO sorry). I'd love to see any of the changes you made to this or the later parts! I have a large portion of the middle written now as well that I thought had been lacking before and I was interested to see if you had worked on any of that as well.

To everyone else: YES I am once again working on BC. I have no idea when I will post the next chapter (it is still being icky) but I AM working on it!


	2. Chapter 2

It had been a week since Lily had first woken up in the hospital wing, and she rubbed her forehead, the pressure behind it throbbing painfully.

"I am sorry for the discomfort Miss Evans," Professor Dumbledore said kindly. It was their third meeting and the mind exercises he had her running through had so far only succeeded in giving her headaches.

Lily shook her head. "Surely you must have some idea by now?" she asked hopefully.

Dumbledore seemed grave. "I am sorry, but whatever your mind has conjured is very complex and very unique." Seeing her look of distress, Dumbledore smiled kindly at her. "I would not worry. It is all very likely that your memory will begin to return on its own."

"But it's been a _week_ and _still_ I can't remember anything I didn't already know! I can read and write and eat and laugh and sleep, but I can't remember my best friend or my favorite food or how to control my magic!" she yelled, and then, realizing she was yelling at the Headmaster, she tried to calm down.

"I feel awkward all the time," she said, "and people stare at me, but I never know if it's because I can't remember or because they knew me. I'm sure they're _worth_ knowing, but it's so much easier to avoid them than to see the pity and sadness in their eyes that says I must be so much _less_ _than_ who I used to be."

"Lily," Dumbledore said, and she knew then that the reason she felt comfortable with the Headmaster was because he was someone with whom she had confided things in the past. She realized that he too missed her mind, missed the girl she was, and she wished that James was there, because he seemed to be the only one who treated her like she wasn't just a shadow of her real self.

She turned away from the Headmaster and though tears burned in her eyes, she resolutely did not let them fall.

"I think it would be a good experiment for you to return to your dorm room. You dorm mates, especially Marlene McKinnon, have been very concerned for you. If you are serious about getting your life back, you must make the first steps," the Headmaster told her.

She thought this was unfair. She was healed enough, but she did not want to go back to her dorm. She felt safe in the hospital wing, and James had, on occasion, snuck in to see her at night. She knew he wouldn't be able to do this if she went back to her dorm.

Almost as if sensing her thoughts, Dumbledore said, "You can not rely solely on that of one person to help you remember who you are. It is only through a thousand mirrors that we truly begin to see our reflection."

"And what if we don't like what we see?" she asked softly.

"I very highly doubt you will have that problem, Miss Evans. You are one of the most talented, kind-hearted, and spirited people that I have ever met."

"Thank you," she said, embarrassed.

**…………**

"You're going to turn my hair green. Be precise about the exact shade you want and then…"

"James, are you sure you want me to turn your hair…green?" she asked as they sat on her hospital bed and she fiddled with her wand in her hand.

"Why not? I've done it to you before!" he said, indignant.

"Really?" she giggled. "Why?"

He glared at her. "We were eleven. I fancied you."

"So?" she asked, confused.

"So, when you're eleven and a boy, turning a girl's hair green seems to be the most direct and effective way of saying you like her. For some reason, you didn't understand this because you weren't very flattered at all," he said and she laughed.

"James," she said, trying to contain her mirth, "that is the _stupidest_ thing I've ever heard!"

A smile twitched at the corner of his lips but he bit it back. "I still maintain that the plan was foolproof and you are just an incredibly deviant female who refused to bend to my whim at first."

"At first?" she asked, startled out of her laughter.

"Well, I suppose you still are, but now it's something I admire about you. Then, I was crushed," he explained. She smiled and their eyes shown with the same look of trust and affection.

"So what shade of green?" she asked finally.

"Emerald," he answered immediately, and she knew he said it because it was the color of her eyes.

"Alright," she said, and held up her wand to his face. If he seemed daunted by this, he didn't show it, and for this, she was intensely relieved and grateful. She swished her wand twice, focusing on his hair, those deep obsidian black strands, and willed them to lighten. She watched as they became dark green and then forest and moss, lightening and adding droplets of blue and yellow until the vibrancy was almost overwhelming. And then she stopped. His head practically glowed.

She couldn't help it, she giggled. He lifted up the mirror in his hand and carefully examined all around his head to make sure she hadn't missed a spot and that it was even.

"Nice," he said, grinning when he finally looked at her, and she laughed again. "You just have to remember to visualize the point where you have to stop and you won't lose control."

She nodded, suddenly more serious. "I'm going to spend tonight in my dorm," she told him.

"Are you going to move back there, or just give it a try for the night?" he asked.

"I don't know," she answered.

He looked away from her. "It might be a good idea for you to move back in permanently. I mean, you have to get back into the natural routine of your life in order to help your memory, right? And you're much too cool to hang out in the hospital wing all the time so it's a step in the right direction."

"You don't _have_ to be here," she said softly, angry at his words. "You don't _have_ to visit me so much. If you're bored with me you can go off and do what you want with your friends. You don't have to feel obligated to spend time with me just because I can't remember! It doesn't mean I'm stupid!"

"I know!" he shouted back at her, his hands coming to her face. "Don't think that for one minute I'm here because I'm _obligated_ to. I care about you Lily! I like spending time with you! I like seeing you laugh and I like when you get a spell right and I like…I like being your friend," he said in a choked voice, as though they had either never been friends or they had been more than friends.

She didn't know what to say. She had an overwhelming urge to kiss him, but she didn't know how he would react or if it would be appropriate.

He smiled. "I just think that you should get to spend time with _your_ friends too. Marlene keeps asking about you, how you are and what you're doing. She wants to help with your magic too. She…she probably knows things about you that I couldn't even dream, you know? You're best friends and girls and you've shared a dorm for the past seven years."

"You're right," she said. "It is a good idea."

"No more nightly visits though," he said as though that now he had convinced her he wasn't quite so sure he liked the idea.

She smiled. "I knew that. I remember the stairs," she said.

"Oh _really_?" he asked and they laughed.

"Do me a favor?" He was suddenly serious, and she smiled.

"Anything," she said, and she meant it with every fiber of her being. Her response seemed to throw him and she could tell he changed what he was going to say.

"Change my hair back?"

**…………**

She had left the hospital wing on her own. She had made her way up to the Gryffindor Tower. She had stood before the Fat Lady, and realized that she did not know the password.

"But you _recognize_ me," she said to the Fat Lady.

"Well of _course_ I recognize you, but that's hardly the point! You could be someone disguised as Lily Evans trying to get in!" the Fat Lady cried.

"But I just want to go to bed!" Lily exclaimed.

"I thought you were still suppose to be in the hospital wing?" the Fat Lady questioned suspiciously. Lily almost growled in frustration before a voice behind her spoke.

"Swizzlefigs," Marlene said. The Fat Lady harrumphed before swinging open.

"Thanks," Lily said softly.

Marlene smiled. "No problem," she said.

They walked in through the portrait hole and into the Common Room. Marlene paused while Lily looked around at the chairs and the fireplace and the people.

"Anything familiar?" Marlene asked softly. For a long moment, Lily stared at an empty chair near the fireplace. Her head seemed fuzzy as she did so.

"That's your usual spot," Marlene voiced. "Where you read and study."

Lily nodded. That seemed right. "Unless the Marauders come in and get too rowdy, at which point you either go to the library or you head up to the dorm. You like to tease them that they're the only two safe places in school because they're the only places that the boys can't go."

"Why can't the boys go to the library?" Lily asked, confused.

Marlene's smile dropped from her face. "It's not that they can't. It's that they don't. Avoid it like the plague actually."

"Oh." Lily still didn't quite understand, but she didn't push the issue.

There was an awkward silence.

"So, you're going to spend the night here then?" Marlene asked, trying to sound cheerful.

"Yes, well, Dumbledore thought it would be a good idea. He said it would probably help," Lily revealed.

"Oh," Marlene said in what was a clearly crestfallen voice. Obviously, she had thought Lily had wanted to come back on her own.

"James thinks it's a good idea as well. He said…well, he said that you would probably help me remember things that he couldn't help with."

"Like the fact that he's the reason you're like this?" Marlene said in a bitter tone of voice.

Lily couldn't help feeling herself bristle at this. "He's apologized. I'm not holding a grudge about it."

Marlene smiled. "You're not the type to anyway, though Potter's always been a bit of a special case."

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, hoping to get some more insight as to what her and James's relationship really was. "Why is he special?"

Marlene stared at her with a thoughtful look before shaking her head. "No reason, I guess."

Lily sighed and they walked up to their dorm.

"Is it weird?" Marlene asked as they began to get changed. "I've thought about it a lot, you know: what it would be like if I lost my memory like you have. I don't think I'd want to return to my eleven year old self now."

"I suppose that's it exactly," Lily said, startled by Marlene's words. "It's weird because I have all of these direct reactions to things: like happiness or anger or frustration, but I don't know if that's the reaction that I should be having, that it's really honest, or if it's just this eleven-year-old version still inside me that's reacting that way. I constantly feel like I'm just guessing at being a person."

Marlene was silent for a long minute before speaking. "The way Potter tells it, you remember some things though, mostly about before you came to Hogwarts. I was thinking that your memory loss might be connected to when you learned about magic."

"But then why would I remember other things about magic like how to fly a broom or the town of Hogsmeade or the taste of butterbeer without having to see or do or experience those things?" Lily honestly questioned, hoping Marlene could provide more of an answer than she had been able to come up with.

"So then you remember some of your favorite things. That's only reasonable," Marlene answered.

"But I don't love flying, though I'm fair at it. And I like butterbeer, but I prefer mulled mead. Hogsmeade is beautiful, but I miss seeing some muggle things like watching the stoplights change and old ladies waiting at bus stops with their shopping. The things I remember aren't special at all."

"I didn't know you liked mulled mead," Marlene said with a slight frown. "When did you have that?"

She didn't know. James had told her the night he had sneaked some into the hospital wing, though he had only brought her a pint so as not to get her drunk, and had brought butterbeer as well, just in case she had forgotten the taste of either one.

He had been right. She had preferred it, though she didn't know why and he hadn't explained. She hadn't thought to question it. He said it was his favorite as well, and she had felt a fluttering in her stomach that they shared a favorite thing.

But she didn't remember on her own. Lily shrugged in response. _Why would James know something my best friend doesn't?_ she thought to herself.

"You don't know?" Marlene asked after a long moment, though it wasn't really a question. "What do you remember then?"

Lily, for some reason feeling as though that question was accusatory, replied in a softly defensive tone, " I have some memories."

"Like what?" Marlene asked excited, but Lily took her time climbing into her bed and hiding in the covers so Marlene continued. "Do you remember when we snuck out at night to go swimming in the lake last May?"

She shook her head.

"What about the time we both protested having to draw our own blood in Potions, and Sirius Black fainted at the sight of his?"

She shook her head.

"Our first trip to Hogsmeade? Our first train ride to school? Our jokes about Professor Binns and the Grey Lady? Our secret crush on Emery O'Connor, the Head Boy in our first year?"

"No," Lily whispered.

"What _do _you remember?" Marlene finally asked, in a harsh whisper. "Things about Potter?"

"In all of my memories…I'm alone," Lily confided, on the edge of tears.

Marlene didn't respond, so Lily tucked herself further into her bed. Lily regretted ever agreeing to come. She closed her eyes when the other girls came in, pretending to sleep and hating their excited whispers that she was back.

_She_ wasn't back, not the person they remembered anyway. And maybe that person never would be. Lily, day by day, had slowly allowed that haunting thought to sink in, and now as it filtered through her mind she came to a solid conclusion. She wouldn't care anymore who people wanted her to be. She'd be what she was, and if it wasn't good enough then those people obviously weren't worth her time.

As the other girls drifted off to sleep, Lily got out of the four poster she had slept in for the past seven years and without looking back, left down the stairs to her lonely bed in the hospital wing, hoping against hope that James would stop to check on her and she wouldn't have to pretend to be something she wasn't.

**…………**

It wasn't actually until the next evening that Lily had a chance to be alone with James. She had seen him in classes and meals, but he seemed preoccupied with something else and she didn't want to talk about why she wasn't staying in her dorm.

So it was that she was walking down the corridor without her usual companion these days, her books held to her chest on her way back from dinner to bed.

"Lily," a smooth voice said softly. She turned, but did not recognize the boy in front of her. He seemed to be in her year, and he had a smile on his face.

"Hello," she replied. He strolled over to her, and unconsciously she held her books a little tighter to her chest.

"You don't remember me…do you?" he asked, but his look was one of soft pity and concern, and so she assumed they must have been friends.

"No. I'm sorry," she said, for what she felt was the thousandth time. She hated that she couldn't remember and the anger inside her fueled the need to be kinder as an apology.

"It's alright," he reassured. "It's just, you and I, we used to…well…are you sure you don't remember?"

There was something measuring in his eyes as he said this, and feeling immensely guilty, all Lily could ask was, "What did we used to do?"

He gave her a soft indulgent smile and said, "Well, I could show you if you want."

"Yes," she said immediately and his smile widened.

"Great," he said and grabbed her hand before beginning to drag her into the nearest classroom. It was only when he had locked the door behind her that she began to get a bit suspicious. Still, she looked at him for guidance, sure that he knew what he was talking about.

"Well?" she asked. He grinned, and now looked slightly nervous.

"Here," he said, and reached out for her books. She obliged, and he put them on the desk.

"Did I tutor you?" she asked tentatively, not wanting to be rude.

He laughed. "Not really."

"Did you tutor me?" she tried, unable to think of another reason that they would be in a classroom.

He laughed again and stalked closer to her. She backed up instinctively. "How about I show you?" he said as his hands grabbed her arms and his hot breath swept across her cheeks.

She pushed him back forcefully and her wand was in her hand before she even thought about doing it. "What do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Lily, you and I…" his face fell with disappointment. "We used to be secret lovers."

"What? Why was it a secret?" she whispered.

"Because you're a Gryffindor and I'm a Slytherin. We both feared our peers' reaction, but we could never help the chemistry between us. We, well, it's always been a physical relationship mostly, but we care about each other very deeply."

There was something about this all that just seemed very out of place, but she couldn't think of a polite way to excuse herself. "Why haven't I seen you before now?" she asked as tentatively as she could.

He gave her a look of deepest longing and lamented, "I couldn't come to your side when you were ill because I didn't want to blow our cover, but just before you were cursed, you claimed to love me. I was shocked, and I didn't really have a chance to respond."

He had moved himself closer to her during his speech, and his hand brushed her bangs the way James's did. She pushed the hand away from her. She wished it had been James's hand, that James had led her to the classroom.

For some reason, she couldn't believe that _she_ would have a secret relationship, let alone with a boy she was not very attracted to. He was handsome, she supposed, but his nose was slightly crooked and there was something dark lurking behind his eyes that she didn't trust.

She again tried to push him away, but his grip settled down hard on her. "Don't play coy now, Lily, you know I like it when you struggle," he whispered in her hair, and the maniac grin on his face terrified her.

Lily's heart felt like a hummingbird's and she still gripped her wand in her hand but her mind couldn't think clearly enough to call forth a spell she could both control and use against him. She highly doubted dying his hair green would stop his advances any.

Just as she had screwed up her eyes and tried in one last effort to push him away, the door exploding and a very enraged James rushed in. He didn't bother with wands, but grabbed the boy who held her and punched him square across the jaw. He stumbled backward and James opened up his arms to her as she launched herself into them.

"What in the _hell_ did you think you were doing Nott?" James spat.

"Oh, come on, Potter, like you haven't been using her memory loss to _your_ advantage!" the boy called Nott cried.

Lily was surprised to see the look of shock register on James's face. Indignant rage on behalf of James filled her, blending roughly with the rage at being taken advantage of by someone she didn't know. She wanted to desperately hurt the boy in front of her, and somehow, through the fog, a pain shot across her forehead and she spoke the words without even knowing what she was saying.

"Expelliarimus! Diffindo!" And just like that, Nott was hanging upside down, his wand clutched in her hand. She dropped the wand, and quickly left the room. Once outside, she waited until James followed.

His face as he stormed out was one of unmitigated shock. "You just…you just hung Avery Nott upside-down!"

"It will serve him right. His blood flow needs to reverse direction back to what little brain he has anyway!" she said.

James was angry with her. She herself was a bit embarrassed at her display, but she had never felt so used and violated. What was worse, she couldn't even trust herself to know the truth about reality. She had to trust her instincts, and even though she felt guilty, she was more proud of the fact that she had proved that she was _not_ someone who could be messed with that easily.

"But when I did that…" he said, now confused.

"Did what?" she asked.

"I flipped someone up by their ankle once, and you called me a bullying toerag," he said, trying to explain. The back of her head felt sore and bruised suddenly, like after her exercises with Dumbledore.

"Had someone just tried to take advantage of you?" she asked politely.

"He had just hexed me when my back was turned," James justified.

"Well then. I suppose you think I'm a hypocrite," she said. He looked at her for a long minute before a serious look came over his face.

"No, I don't suppose I do. I had started the fight. I did it in front of a lot people because I was being an immature idiot. I wanted to prove how good, how much better I was. It was a stupid thing, and you called me on that. You always call me on things, and I always admired you for it," he said smiling.

"Oh," she said.

"Are you okay?" he asked after a moment.

"I'm fine. I'm just really grateful you came at the moment you did," she said.

"Really?" he asked. "Judging from that hex, you seemed entirely able to handle the situation."

"Well thank you James, I—" but then something struck her very suddenly. "James? How did you know where I was? And what was happening?"

"I…I sort of have this charm on you…not anything weird mind you, just, it lets me know when you're hurt or in trouble," he said, not meeting her eyes.

Her heart broke. "I don't want to be a burden to you James. You don't have to take care of me like this! I-I can take care of myself!" She cried, though they both knew it wasn't true. Still, something inside her cried out that she was strong and competent and she wasn't anyone's burden!

"Lily," he whispered and his cheeks flushed softly. "I didn't put the charm on you after, well…I've had it on you since first year. I've never told you about it before, because I know you're a capable girl and you'd probably have hexed me black and blue if I had, but I care about you, and I don't like knowing that you're hurt or scared or anything like that, so…"

"Oh, James, I…" But she didn't really know what she was. Flattered and slightly indignant, but mostly touched and confused.

"It's stupid, I know," he said sharply, as though expecting chastisement from her.

"No, James. It's very thoughtful," she said, and took his hand in both of hers. "Thank you."

He looked at her, shock written over his features. "You're not…angry?"

"Should I be?" she asked, looking down at their hands. Why did her hand fit so perfectly there?

"No, that is, I don't want you to be. It's not that I don't think you can take care of yourself," he said, and the way he said it, she knew he meant it. "I just…"

"Want to be there for me, in case?" she asked, and couldn't help the smile on her face.

"Yeah," he said. "Are you sure you're not mad?"

She shook her head. "That's what it means to care for someone, James. You let them stand on their own feet, but sometimes people get knocked off balance and they need a steadying hand. I get the feeling I'm a bit proud when asking for that hand, so thank you. Thanks for being there for me, even if I think I don't need or want it."

"Lily," he said, and she could tell her words had sunk deep into his heart with the way his dark eyes pieced through hers and his hand reached up to brush back her hair. A sudden thought struck her as he glanced at her lips and made no move toward them.

"James," she asked, half-desperately needing to know and half-terrified to find out. "Are we…a couple?"

He looked at her a long time as though trying to decide what to say. "Do you want us to be?" he asked, and then, as though realizing he had not said what he intended, quickly continued. "I don't want to pressure you Lily. I don't want to give you the wrong idea about us, but I've always cared about you a great deal, and up until now, you've always known that. It's just so hard…to explain."

He looked away, and she couldn't help the happy blush that slipped onto her cheeks as she took his hand. "James," she said, "if I said I wanted us to be together…as a couple…"

When she looked up at him, he was standing much closer, and emotions flew through his eyes she wished she could read.

"If you want," he whispered, his head lowering. "I'll be anything you want me to be."

"Be mine," she half-demanded and half-asked. He nodded softly in response, as their breaths intermingled. For a moment he looked as though he was still struggling with the idea of kissing her, as though for some reason he shouldn't, so she reached up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his.

This seemed to be all the incentive he needed as he wrapped her into his arms, encasing her tiny frame in his and kissing her like any moment they were going to be pulled apart only to never see one another again.

Even when he needed to breathe finally, he buried his head against her neck, placing kisses in between gulps for air. She continued to gasp, her face arched upward, her body shaking from excitement and pleasure and overwhelming happiness.

"James," she whispered drowsily, and immediately he stopped and pulled away, searching her face for any signs of distress or discomfort but she could only smile and pull him close again. "James," she whispered again in his ear, delighted at the way he trembled as she did so.

"I…I should take you back to the hospital wing," he whispered half coherently while his eyes stared at her lips with intense longing.

"Okay," she said, making no move to leave, but he turned away, and taking her hand, dragged her back like a small child.

She was practically laughing by the time they reached the doors. "James!" she cried, and he finally brought her to a halt. His face looked very determined.

"You're to go to bed now and sleep," he said, and she giggled.

"I don't know if I can," she whispered, and though she hadn't meant to be coy, she knew it came across that way.

"Lily," he said sharply, though his eyes were excited by her words. "One of us should get some rest, and I know it's not going to be me. Besides, you need it. It's been a long day."

She knew she couldn't push it anymore. "So," she said, and looked at their hands still clasped together. "Do I get a goodnight kiss?"

Her cheeks were flushed as she said it, and his other hand felt cool as it brushed across to tuck back her hair. "I don't know if that's such a good idea," he said, but seconds later his lips were on hers, holding them there softly in a much more demanding way than a normal goodnight kiss. She didn't protest, and when he finally did quickly rip himself away she thought it was because someone had come down the hall, but no one had and the look in his eyes seemed confused and searching, as if somehow hoping and fearing this had helped her remember him. She looked down and unable to answer that question, she whispered to him a goodnight and slipped through the door.

_Why_ could she remember? She thought angrily. At that moment, she would've given anything to know him once more.

**………………**

Three days had passed since that first night, and while still holding hands and spending most of the waking hours with one another, James had not made any moves to kiss her again. Twice she had kissed his cheek in hopes he would instigate something more, but found she had to be more direct. There were times when it was easy to do, and his body seemed to crave every nuance and curve and sigh of hers, and then others when she would try to kiss him and he would pull away shortly, a strained smile on his lips.

"James," she whispered, unable to hold the tremor from her voice as he turned away from her willing form and back to the book in his lap, gripping so hard his knuckles were white.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It's not you."

"Yes it is," she said darkly, angrily. "Otherwise why would you hesitate so much? Sometimes it feels incredible, but others, it feels like…like you don't even want to kiss me."

"It's isn't – it's not like that. I want to kiss you, _believe me_ when I say I do, but you're right. I do hesitate."

"It's because I can't remember…before," she choked, her heart cleaving in two.

"Yeah," he whispered. "I keep thinking that you'll remember something – anything – but you haven't, have you?"

She shook her head.

"And I wonder whether if it's because I don't give you enough time on your own to think about things."

"I like being with you," she said sharply. "I think at night before I go to bed. It's just a blank wall. It doesn't have anything to do with you."

"But it does Lily! It does! You're like this because of me!" he cried.

"I'm sorry!" she said. "I'm sorry I can't remember. I'm sorry I can't be who you cared about. If you don't care about me anymore then just say it!"

She couldn't help the water welling in her eyes. Sharply, and slightly painfully, James brought both of his hands to her face and forced her to meet his eyes.

"You're _everything_. I'll _always_ care about you, even if I lost _my_ memory I would know that. _I love you_," he whispered to her in a slightly desperate voice. "I need you to remember that."

She smiled as a tingling sensation swept through her body and hot tears slipped from her eyes. "I don't think I could forget, even if I wanted to," she said. He smiled, and then froze completely still.

"What did you just say?" he asked sharply.

She frowned. "I said that I didn't think I could forget…"

"Even if you _wanted to_?" he said in agony. And then, he tore away from her.

"James? Where are you going?" she asked as he started down the hall.

"I have to see Dumbledore!" he called as he rounded the corner, not bothering to look back at her.

She gave an exasperated laugh. Well, that was not exactly how she expected her first time being told she was loved would go…or at least, what she remembered as her first time.

She looked around. It had been awhile since she had been outside of the hospital wing without James, and remembering the last time, she hugged her arms across her chest. She didn't really want to go anywhere on her own. She made her way back to the hospital and her bed.

**……………**

"When you get a strong memory charm placed on you!" James cried as he burst into Dumbledore's office. "The things that you remember, those things are too important to who you are to be forgotten. It would damage your brain if you were forced to forget them!"

"This is quite correct James," Dumbledore said, focusing his bright blue eyes on the boy.

"But with Lily it's different! Some of the things she remembers are completely trivial, and some things are incredibly important! That day! That day I accidentally set fire to her Arithmancy notes for the entire year! We had a row and she said she wished for something, and she wouldn't tell me what it was. I performed the Wishing Spell so I could see, so I could know! It's supposed to become a wisp of smoke to show you what the wish is, but it's supposed to be for _things_, like a pony or my severed head on a platter, but what if she wasn't wishing for a _thing_? What if…" His voice trembled. "What if she wished she had never met me?"

Dumbledore was silent, and James knew it wasn't because he was pondering whether it could be true, but because there was nothing he could say to ease the pain of the reality.

"She fell unconscious when I performed the spell, and I thought that I had hurt her! I thought she was dead…at first I thought she had wanted to die…but I knew that couldn't…so I thought I had performed it wrong, that I didn't know what spell I cast, but I did do it right. She doesn't remember because the spell is showing me what she wished for. That's why she remembers some things, like her parents, because those memories aren't attached to me. But others, like her friends and this school…"

"I had thought the ward was a self-defense mechanism of her magic to protect her mind from another curse, but it appears I was mistaken. It is protecting the memories that are too important for her to lose without giving her access to them. The parts of her mind that need to know these things do, she just doesn't know that. The ward isn't a spell she cast, it is really the wishing spell, and the reason it has lasted this long is because it has connected itself to her magic, feeding off her desire for this life to be real," Dumbledore said.

"But it doesn't make any sense. If that was true, then why did she remember me?" James asked Dumbledore, desperately wishing that now he knew the truth that he was wrong.

"I don't know," Dumbledore said gravely. "I will have to speak with Madame Aviate about this."

Dumbledore stood and they began to leave his office. He turned to James as they parted ways outside the golden statue.

"If this is true," Dumbledore said, "we will be able to reinstate Miss Evans's memory."

AN: Wahahaha! I am evil. I know. Review. Please. Because I heart them.


	3. Chapter 3

"It is possible," he said, "to perform a counter-curse. It is also possible that, in time, you will continue to remember things on your own without this spell. Whether or not you choose to have this done is entirely up to you. I have no qualms about supplementing parts of your education and reintroducing you to your magical abilities should you choose to stay as you are now. However, it is my personal suggestion that the counter-curse is attempted. There are so many aspects to one's life, and it is not within the ability of another to judge the worth of any small or large piece and how important it is in respect to the whole of the person."

She thought about her classes and her education. She looked at the faces of her friends, her friends she didn't remember. She looked at James and thought about the past they must share.

"I want you to perform the spell," she told Dumbledore. He nodded and raised his wand to her heart.

"_Revertia Wintodem_!" he bellowed, and the words reverberated throughout her mind. And just like that, her life streamed back together, like a dry riverbed suddenly refilling with water after a dam breaks.

She looked at Dumbledore and his wise, kind eyes. She looked at her friends – her friends! – and their anxious looks of worry. She looked at James – James! Oh that – how dare he! So many years of – and he had!…he had…

Her life before and after seemed to be two different lives, two different worlds. Giant tears blurred her eyes as she looked at him and the open look of wretched sorrow on his face. "Out," she whispered, and then finding her strength in the deep trenches of anger that filled her stomach, she yelled, "Get out! Everyone! Get out!"

For a moment, they did not move, and then they quickly left. Between the blurry images she could make out James trying to move toward her and felt herself shake. Dumbledore intercepted him however, and took him from the room.

It was only when she heard the last footsteps leave and the door close that she allowed the gaping sobs to escape her lips and hot tears to rain from her eyes. It was a long time before she could steady out her breathing enough to blow her now stuffed up nose.

James. He…loved her. And he hadn't just _said _it. He meant it, had proved it, had proved that all these years he had cared for her, even when she hadn't wanted it and had refused to see it. He loved her, and he had been honest. He had told her the truth about them whenever she had asked. It had been she who had not asked for more information, who had allowed his attention and his affection instead demanding he tell her how they should act towards one another based on how they used to be.

He had been so hesitant about her affections, but so sure in returning them. He had taught her herself in a way no one else in the world could. He knew every mark on her body, everything she loved, every emotion she felt.

He knew her and he loved her. After so many years of…! So many years…of what? Her other lives seemed distant to her somehow – vague, as though they still were not her. She felt as though she was looking at her life from a new person. Not who she was originally, or who she had been with James, but a third person, a new person, who looked back at her life as though she were an old woman retracing steps of a different time – like that same river, making new crevices and winding new patterns through the same flowing creek bed.

She sighed. She wanted to shower and change into a fresh pair of pajamas and then… She did not want to return to the hospital bed, nor her four poster in her dorm, nor even the bed she slept in during holiday. She wanted to return to a bed that felt like home, but she didn't have one of those anymore. She did not have a safe place to hide away.

A thought crept into her mind just then, a wild dangerous thought she was not sure she was ready to think, but as she cleaned it settled firmly into her mind and by the time she had dressed, her feet were already walking where they knew they should go. She cast a Disillusionment Charm on herself, slightly giddy at the regained sense of control she had, before making her way to the Seventh Floor Tower and the Gryffindor common room.

Her friends were there, as were the Marauders, some seething silently, others spiting out fiery words. She felt a deep sense of gratitude towards Marlene for her loyalty, even after she had been horrible to her. Still, she did not stop but continued quietly on her way past them and up the stairs, though not hers. She wound her way up the steps to the boys dormitory before silently sliding their door open and closing it behind her.

James was sprawled on his side faced away from her, but from the state of his rumpled hair and flushed face, knew he was angry. She slipped into the bed next to him. He turned surprised eyes in her general direction, as though not daring to believe. She slid off the charm and curled herself into his side.

"Lily," he whispered in a choked ragged voice. She buried herself deeper into him, needing to feel his arms tight around her once again to keep her strong.

"Please James," she whispered. He sat up and her heart tore in two, but he only closed the bed curtains before laying back down and recovering them with his duvet. His fingers brushed across her face, still having trouble believing she was real.

"You love me," she said, and he looked at her for a long moment, before nodding.

"You remembered," he said.

"I told you I couldn't forget," she whispered.

"Did you want to?" he looked away, as though not able to bare it. She curled into his side and he made a soft strangled noise, as though his heart had skipped a beat.

"I love you," she whispered into his neck, into the dark. He was still for a long time and she was not sure he had heard her.

He turned his head and looked down at her. This time, she understood the conflicting emotions in his eyes, and when he glanced down at her lips, knew that this time would be real. It would based on everything between them that had been building since the moment they had met, and she suddenly understood the desperation that he had shown during their first kiss as intense desire flooded through her.

He kissed her hard and deep, the previous hesitance no longer present, and she felt chills run through her at the thought of where they were and what they were doing. His body weight was heavy on her and welcome. She felt his hand on her stomach, and her hand clenched in his hair.

His fingers stroked the underside of her bra, but didn't move any higher. He pulled back and for a moment their dark eyes locked with one another's. She tried to breathe and had trouble. He bent down again and his tongue licked softly at her already wet lips.

"God you taste good," he whispered before kissing her again, her mouth opening wider and her own tongue curling around his. His one hand braced him above her slightly and the other stroked her stomach until her back seemed to arch and she wanted him to do that everywhere.

He couldn't stop kissing her. He kept waiting for her to pull back, for her to tell him to stop, so that every time he thought about stopping for a moment he couldn't. He had wanted this moment for so long, and the intense feeling of her chest rubbing against his, her cheeks burning in his hand, and especially the feeling of her shifting her legs whenever he kissed her just right and sent chills down her spine made his mind overflow with pleasure.

The door opened. They froze.

"You awake James?" came the voice of Sirius, tentative, unsure. His hangings were closed, and after a moment of silence, sounds could be heard of three boys trying to quietly get ready for bed. James used this opportunity to shift off of Lily and to the side and she moved away from him as well.

"We'll try to talk to him in the morning," Remus whispered to the others.

James sighed. They waited, poised for long moments, their ears focused intently as all three changed clothes and clamored into bed.

"What she should we do?" Lily whispered so softly it was almost unheard and James had to watch her lips in order to understand.

"They'll hear you if you try to leave. They'll think it's me and follow. We're light sleepers," he whispered back, just as quietly, his brow furrowed.

They said nothing for a long moment, as she stared at his flushed cheeks and shining eyes and thought that she never would have predicted she'd be in this situation. To be caught in a bed, in a boy's bed, in _James's_ bed, or even _better_, to _not_ be caught, by the _marauders_ of all people, in _James's_ bed, was entirely beyond her imagination's capacity.

She couldn't help the smile that slid onto her face, and she tried to bite it in order to hold in how mischievous it made her feel. He grinned at her look. "What?" he questioned.

"What if…" she said, taking pause for a moment to realize what it was she was really purposing. "What if I stay?"

His expression, the way his eyes shifted and measured her, the way his lips quivered with amusement and seriousness, the way his brow seemed confused and questioning all at once, betrayed him.

"To sleep," she clarified. "Just for tonight. I'll sneak out with you tomorrow morning, we'll get cleaned up in the prefect's bathroom, and then go down to breakfast together."

"A secret?" he asked. She nodded. He pulled her close and kissed her softly once more. As quiet and slow as they could, they continued to cuddle and stroke and place soft light kisses until both gave up to weariness and fell asleep.

Lily felt James shift in his sleep and her mind, still not fully awake itself, assessed only two things in a hazy sense. One, that James was wrapped and tangled up with her in his warm, nice, comfortable bed. And two, that if they were to execute their secret plan, they would need to get up. Soon.

She opened her eyes resentfully, and lifted his arm carefully away from her to adjust his glasses. She grinned down at his sleeping form, her heart beating so loud in her chest she was afraid his dorm mates would hear it and wake.

Her back was aching from lying in such strange positions all night, and as she tried to sit up she saw James grimace slightly as well, his arms tightening as she tried to slip away. He made a soft moaning noise, his eyes clenching, as if he thought she was leaving, and desperately she reached down and kissed him softly. His eyes shot open at the contact and she pulled away blushing, placing her finger to her lips to keep him silent.

She turned to peak out of his curtains and he shifted on his bed, watching her. When she looked back at him, she couldn't help but be taken aback by the possessive look she saw there. She blushed and looked away.

He sat up, and they made their way to the prefect's bathrooms on the third floor in silence. It would be too hard to try and get clean clothes, so charms would have to suffice.

Once inside the main door, they both sighed, and then, without warning, she began to giggle, and his laughed joined hers, and they had tears coming from their tired eyes.

He took off his glasses as they calmed down to wipe his eyes before putting them back on.

"Good morning, Mr. Potter," she said.

He smiled. "Good morning, Miss Evans."

………………………………

She knew that when their friends saw them eating together in the Great Hall that nothing needed to be said. Things were normal, or if not normal, then at least fixed.

Well, mostly fixed, Lily thought as she looked at Marlene down the table. She sighed and stood up. James raised his eyebrows as if to ask if they were leaving, but she shook her head and he stayed.

"Can I talk to you?" Lily asked Marlene. Marlene shrugged and Lily took that as consent to sit down.

"I'm _so_ sorry," Lily whispered to Marlene.

"No you're not," Marlene said, but she wasn't bitter. "Maybe who you were is sorry, but you're not the same person anymore. You're still my friend, but things have changed."

"You still want to be my friend? Even after I was so horrible to you?" Lily asked. Lily knew that once Marlene's trust was lost that it was not regained and it had been because of this that she had been afraid to see her again.

"Yes," Marlene said after a moment of consideration, and then that evil look Lily managed to find so wonderful about her came out, though her face stayed neutral. "Because you may be James's now, but you were mine first. _You_ may have settled your rivalry with him, but _I_ haven't and I need all the leverage I can get."

Lily smiled. "You just want to be my partner in Charms again," Lily accused with a laugh.

"And Potions, Lily, don't forget Potions." They laughed.

"I won't pretend like things are fixed," Lily said seriously.

"I'm not mad," Marlene said. "I kept thinking that maybe you'd remember who you were, preferably in the Great Hall, and hex Potter black and blue. I know better than to help you fight your own battles. Maybe we're too similar in that way. But I'm glad it's worked out like it has."

Lily thought about how James had understood that about her too, but that sometimes, she _did_ need a hand. She didn't want to point this out, didn't want to built a rift in the one she was trying to mend, but the thought settled in the back of her mind anyway, and she felt a deep gratitude for James being in her life like she did that morning she first woke up without her memory.

"I do have one question though: what in the world does Potter have to do with our crush on Emery O'Connor in first year?"

Lily blushed. "James had turned my hair green and Emery docked him house points. When Emery fixed my hair I blushed scarlet. James was so angry. He could tell that I liked Emery and he tried to tease me about it, but I told him that if he said a word to anyone that I would tell everyone _he_ was the one with the crush on Emery."

Marlene burst into peals of laughter. She snorted, which caused Lily to giggle. She had forgotten that Marlene did that and it was something Lily loved about her.

"Spunky, even then," Marlene said.

"So are we okay?" Lily said.

"We're okay. I'm just…glad you're back." Marlene gave her a long look. "You're sure about this _James_ thing?"

"I am," Lily said, surprised herself at how sure she felt.

Marlene sighed. "Suppose this means I have to be civil with Black now too. Ah well, there's always the rest of his family I can terrorize."

"You're horrible," Lily said dismally.

"And you love me for it," Marlene said.

"I do," Lily said, meaning it with every fiber of her being.

After a long minute, Marlene looked at Lily out of the corner of her eye. "You're going to be okay then?"

Lily, catching James's soft gaze across the hall, smiled. "Yeah," Lily said. "I think I am."

AN: done! **Reviews** are always appreciated and horded and loved.


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